Wow.

Things have happened since I last put anything on this page…lots of things.

First and foremost: I finally got accepted into a graduate school.

Huzzah! The hard work, the sleep-deprived nights and the constant wear-and-tear of the grind of daily tedium yielded results. So, naturally, I’ve since relocated to be closer to school since the last time I wrote anything for the Interwebs.

I got to toss out that giant pile of GRE books. That was satisfying as fuck…although I will confess that I kept book 7 (Reading Comprehension & Essays.) It has some great general points on argumentative writing that one would do well not to forget. It may yet serve a purpose as a crash-course primer on dissecting arguments and constructing counter-arguments.

That has it’s own big pile of WOW that goes along with it, the hassle of picking my whole life and putting it down somewhere else has been rather staggering. It’s just like pulling a plant out of one pot and putting it in the next: although ultimately it’s not such a big move, and you know the plant will be okay, they throw a little fit; they get all wilt-y and lay on the ground like an emo teenager. After all, you’ve been tugging on their roots, goddamnit!

…and how my roots have been tugged. Ultimately, I know everything will work out, but the build-up and come-down from the whole process is insanely taxing— How many different ways can I say that this has been stressful? It was….*ahem* draining, exhausting, difficult, worrisome, tough, demanding, exacting, arduous, tough, onerous, enervating, wearing…

But here I am, on the other side: healthy, alive, whole, and free…putting all the pieces back together again.

It’s been a while

I’m terrible at updating blogs that I start.

Maybe that’s an indication of my ability to follow-through on projects that I start. To be fair, though, it has been a hectic lot of months since I last wrote something here.

You see, applying for graduate school is absolutely excruciating, and takes all of the spare time that I have between working, eating, and sleeping. There are transcripts, test scores, writing samples, personal statements, and letters of recommendation to wrangle, not to mention the tedium of actually giving schools all of your information; and the expense of the fees.

I estimate that it’s cost over $1000 between all of the test, transcript, and application fees I’ve incurred.

I’m doing it to try and move forward in life, towards a purpose and a career, and I have no guarantee that it will pan-out at all. I applied to three rather prestigious schools even though on paper I look less than prestigious (though certainly not dumb.)

I’ve already heard back from one of them, and it was a no-go.

Of course this triggered all kinds of worry and anxiety about the future, where I’ll go, what I’ll do if I don’t get in anywhere.

But, there’s nothing I can do to control the admissions process besides put my best foot forward, and that’s what I’ve done this year. The rest will end up as it supposed to be. Now it’s easier to write that than it is to believe it, but I’m trying so very hard.

An Ode to Procrastination

A little something I wrote last summer about 40 minutes before a creative writing class:

Why did I wait?
Until it was too late;
To write a poem,
Here alone,
Surrounded by books
Toiling in the nooks.
When I look down,
I read you and frown.
Though I love you dearly,
I can see it clearly:
You’re half-baked at best,
Last-minute like the rest.

~ Me

City Lights

There’s something magical about cityscapes that absolutely enchants me. Growing up in pastoral surroundings, I always dreamed of one day moving to a metropolitan area and being able to live amongst the ocean of energy that is a city.

Cities are so fascinating. The lights remind me that there is always someone awake, at any given hour, you are not the only one going about life.

You can be totally alone, isolated, and yet still surrounded by a million other souls.

👇This picture below👇 reminds me of an alchemical axiom: “As Above, So Below. As Below, So Above.” It basically is remarking on the essence of the concept that the microcosm reflects the macrocosm, and vice-versa. This picture is, I think, an example of that. From above, the city looks like a microchip. That pervasive yet invisible driver of electrons and lives that is omnipresent in our daily lives.

What an exciting place to be, what a world to live in. The prairie of pavement, the concrete jungle, the sea of electrons and souls.

Just meandering through my thoughts. I’d originally published a much more eloquent post about this, but it disappeared somehow. Go figure.

This one gets the same basic gist across.

Making Treasured Memories

When you do something, you should burn yourself completely, like a good bonfire, leaving no trace of yourself.

~ Shunryu Suzuki

The other day, I had a thought. It wasn’t necessarily a novel thought, and perhaps not as profound as others, but it’s been echoing in my mind:

I never know which memories are going to be the ones I treasure most fondly. I most certainly don’t think about it while I’m making them. Sometimes, when I look back on a time in my life with nostalgia, I wish that I had lived those moments more fully, and appreciated them for what they were at the time.

Memories are good. They are always there, some fuzzier than others; the ones that I love the most though, I wish I’d had a clearer lens to capture them with.

Constantly living in the past or future-tripping is not necessarily the best for my mental, emotional, and spiritual health. I want to be in the present as much as I can going forward. When I do this, I clear away the dust of the past/future from my lens and see with open eyes what’s happening before me. Then, when I inevitably choose to look backward, I can know with a sound mind and heart that I saw these moments clearly, and lived them fully.

You never know which memories will be your favorites. So create better, fuller, more rich memories by living in the present with the intention of taking full advantage of what’s before you.

That’s all.

Did you really read this far?..or did you drift off to some far-away moment?

Hit the Books

Sooooo, it’s that time of year, when academia comes crawling back into people’s lives. I’ve been out of the game for a while, and I’m feeling the struggle overcoming inertia. Studying for standardized tests puts knots in my stomach; these things are unpleasant by design.

I’ve got a stack of study guides to wade through that’s literally 7 inches tall. Yes, I’ve measured the stack, because that’s easier to spend time doing than actually wading through the pages.

Standardized tests get me worked up…how cruel is it to design a test that purposely messes with you?

God, I really want to get into grad school though. There’s something so safe and comforting about the routines of school to me. I’m curious, a learner, by nature…it’d be like coming home after a long trip…

…and what a weird, long, strange trip it’s been.

Who knows?

Who knows what life has in store for us? Who knows where it’s all going? I certainly don’t. Feeling a bit listless these days; the grind is real. Physically I’m alright, but I’ve been mentally stagnating for a hot minute.

I don’t really know what the point of this post is except to put something out there. If you’re reading this, I don’t know how you got here or why you’re really here. Welcome, we’re all quite mad.

Madness is the order of the day.